On Shabbat: I want to celebrate that holiday more often, because we hardly ever have challah. I want to have it more often, with sparkling grape juice.

On Hanukkah: That holiday is so important to me. It’s the most important holiday to me. Not because of the presents but because of what it’s about — because of freedom for the Jews.

On Purim: Once I saw one of those cookies (hamentashen) made with chocolate, and it did NOT look good to me.

On Yom Kippur: That’s a holiday I do NOT want to celebrate, because it has to be the most boring holiday I have ever heard of.

“Salvation Army?” asked Raimi

Sometimes I can read his mind and knew he was concerned about what kind of Army might be in the neighborhood.

“They help the poor and people who are homeless. They do good work because they care about people, but it’s called ‘Salvation Army’ because they are also fighting to ‘save’ people by making more people become Christians.’” I explained.

“Which they SHOULD NOT do,” Raimi said firmly.

“Why?” I asked. He looked startled like maybe he said the wrong thing. So I clarified, “I mean, I agree with you – people should be whatever religion they want to be. But why do you say that?”

“Because being Christian isn’t the best thing in the world,” he said.

“So what IS the best thing in the world?” I asked.

He answered, “Love.”

Me: So, how do you like Cambridge these days? Still Medium?

Raimi: Yeah, it will always be medium because I miss our old home.

Me: I miss it too. I like both places…. although there are things I DON’T like about Cambridge.

Raimi (big smile): like what?

Me: Like it’s so crowded. Sometimes I like that there’s always something going on, but other times I don’t like that it’s so crowded. And parking is a PAIN.

Raimi: YEAH! I don’t like that it’s so crowded. Also, something I don’t like is when you’re driving and the other drivers are being bad drivers and you say bad words. Because, it makes me mad too.

Me: Mad at me or at the other drivers?

Raimi: At the other drivers.

Me: I’ll try to keep cool and do a better job of not saying bad words. Does that sound good?

Raimi: Yeah.

Me: Something I LIKE about Cambridge is the River. And the ocean. And being so close to Grandma. Do you like that?

Raimi: Yeah. But I know something you DON’T like, and that’s being so far from your mom.

Me: Yeah, I miss her. That’s true. It was a really hard decision to move here.

Raimi: If someday I had to make a hard decision about whether to move, I would just think about it longer, and I would just stay where I was, because I loved it so much.

Me: Do you wish things wouldn’t change?

Raimi: (thinks a minute) Well… but if there wasn’t any change, that wouldn’t be very good for the Earth. Like, the world wouldn’t last very long. Because if people didn’t have babies, they would die and there wouldn’t be more people, and so we wouldn’t last for very long.

Me: So change is part of life.

Raimi: Yeah.

Me: Raimi, did you know that there are philosophers and Zen masters who spend their whole lives thinking about what you just said, about how change is a part of life?

Raimi: (big smile) I did not know that.

Here is Raimi taking his first test in Soo Bahk Do, a Korean Martial Art that emphasizes character development. He’s had only four lessons, but for the “Pee Wee” class, the kids can earn stripes for their white belts by demonstrating what they know. Raimi’s really pretty serious about it. It’s awesome.

Soo Bahk Do Test

Kinnell can’t start Soo Bahk Do until he’s 4, but that’s not stopping him from pursuing Kung Fu mastery.

Kung Fu Kinnell

After the movers got the downstairs all packed up, I came downstairs and found Pixi reading Raimi a Pokemon book. We’re really going to miss being so near to her.

Before we locked up for the last time, Kinnell ran around the empty rooms giggling while Raimi said good-bye to each room in the house, the words catching in his throat.

Good-bye 1602 Rutledge Drive.  You were a well-loved house.

We wish we could have gathered with friends and family to witness this occasion (we never did have a commitment ceremony) but the timing was much too rushed. Instead we want to share our story. Please don’t feel the need to send gifts—your support and love have been gift enough over the years.

As we began the process of relocating to Boston, we made a series of decisions that meant that Rosalie would be left without health insurance. Kevin’s parent company, Viacom, offers domestic partner benefits but only to same-sex couples and Rosalie will be self-employed at least for many months.

We’ve been unmarried for eleven and a half years. We saw being happily unmarried as a political statement against homophobic marriage laws as well as a positive affirmation of our love and commitment to one another. We’ve pieced together the rights and legal protections that are available to all unmarried couples, and have made some sacrifices in the process. We’ve called each other “Partner” and have been proud to use that word because of the deep equality it implies.

But we’re moving to a state where same-sex marriage is legal. Although the long, hard struggle for justice for all families and individuals continues, in this particular part of the country, many people live their lives as if sexual orientation is no more relevant than eye color—just a part of our diversity as human beings.

It was a difficult decision, but we decided the time had come to have our commitment legally recognized. There wasn’t time to plan a ceremony with invited guests in the midst of the overwhelming undertaking involved in selling a home and relocating across country. We’ve been living basically apart for two months. We couldn’t wait until after our move because only legal residents of Massachusetts can be married in the state and it would take months to establish residency. We’d have to get married in Illinois.

Rosalie’s colleague and good friend at Cunningham Children’s Home, Chaplain Gay King Crede offered to sign our marriage license. Ceremony or no ceremony, as a minister she has the authority to sign the license and we took her up on her generous offer.

And then we thought, we have been separated from one another as a family and are going through the most tremendous of transitions. This is an opportunity to come together and bless our family’s core spirit of love and respect, and affirm that we’re a family despite our extended separation from one another. We wrote a ceremony and scheduled a time to meet Chaplain Gay in the meditation room inside Rosalie’s building on a date when Kevin would be in town.

The weekend of the ceremony we traveled to Macomb to say good-bye to friends and spend time with Rosalie’s mother, who we’ll miss dearly. On Sunday we drove in separate vehicles back to Urbana, unloaded some bookcases from a rented van and convinced the kids to change into slightly nicer clothes. Raimi said he didn’t want to go to a wedding and Kinnell cried and crabbed about having to change his shirt. Raimi was persuaded and Kinnell fell asleep in the car on the way to dropping off the rental.

When we parked our car at the Spiritual Life Center , Raimi asked, “Why do you want to get married in mommy’s office?” Kevin joked, “well, she spends a lot of time here so…” and Rosalie shushed him and answered, “The meditation room is sacred space. Special moments have happened there like reunions and memorial services. It’s a good place to get married.”

Holding hands, we walked into the building and found Chaplain Gay. The meditation room is a small, peaceful room with enormous windows overlooking the old trees and brick buildings of the Cunningham Children’s Home campus. Gay is a thoughtful and loving minister to Cunningham kids—committed to helping each child identify meaning and hope in the language and tradition that will sustain them throughout their lives. She is a United Methodist who has supported kids to find comfort in Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, art and nature. She’s also an activist for the full inclusion of gays and lesbians in the Untied Methodist Church. She’s a good friend.

We gathered in a circle for the blessing ceremony. We reminded the boys that we believe that what makes a family is love. Kinnell listened and we think Raimi understood when we said, “Mommy & daddy have promised long ago to love one another forever. This paper we’re going to sign today is a way to help keep our family safe and give us certain rights. Not everyone has the same rights in our country, and mommy and daddy believe in justice for all families. In about a month, we’re going to move to a state where all families are treated fairly and equally. So it’s time for us to get married, too, and Chaplain Gay will help us!”

Then, Gay told the boys, “your mommy and daddy want you to be a part of their marriage blessing today. Your mommy and daddy believe that what makes a family is love. So if you think that’s true too, say after me, “Love makes a family!”

And we all said, “Love makes a family!”

Well, Raimi joined in—Kinnell stopped playing for a minute to listen.

Gay asked us if we came there that day of our own free will, ready to allow our promise to be legally recognized. We each answered, “I do.”

Then she had us turn to one another to repeat vows we had written together based on the song that always makes us cry, “The Last Barn Dance” by Cheri Knight. We each said to the other:

We’ve traveled this far
Bound together by love.
My commitment to you is stronger
than the separation of distance
or the words of the law.
Today I ask you again
to give me your hand.
I will take it, and offer you mine.
Here we are, on this road, bound together:
You and I, You and I, You and I.

We both got choked up while Rosalie said her vows. Rosalie was smiling as Kevin spoke—and we laughed because Kinnell was running around being all kinds of noisy and rambunctious.

Then we each signed the marriage license, and on the decorative marriage license the boys each signed as a witness. Raimi signed his special signature and Kinnell drew a picture, telling us “I’m drawing Kinnell the mermaid.”

Together we put our hands together like a team and Gay had us repeat, “Love makes a family!” Then she offered a blessing for the changes to come and what stays the same, and our future lives together.

I’d like to catch up on pictures — we never posted Christmas, Hanukkah, birthdays… there’s a lot I’d like to share. But for now, here’s right now.

On Saturday was the Boneyard Arts Festival, a celebration of art in our community. Raimi’s Kindergarten class was part of a display in the children’s section of the Urbana Free Library. Art class is one of the only parts of school that he really enjoys, so I made sure to take him to see it.

You can see his contribution to this bouquet of flowers, each created by a Kindergartener at Thomas Paine School. His is pink with blue spots and kind of shaped like a pac man popsicle. Or a flower.

His first pose shows some trinkets we bought at a local toy store. Then in the next one, I’d just said, “let me see you smile. You look proud, Raimi!” How special to see his work of art on display in a public place — a favorite place to visit.

The other thing about how things are now is that we’re all a little more impatient, but also a little more snuggly with one other. Both boys ask for extra hugs, especially during transition times. Despite firmly telling me that he does NOT like Kinnell on other occasions, the other night Raimi told me that Kinnell is his new bedtime snuggly.

Sometimes Raimi sleeps in his bunk bed if Kinnell’s being too silly and distracting, but Kinnell pretty much insists on sleeping in my bed every night since Kevin’s been gone. I asked if they plan to sleep with Daddy when he gets back, and the answer was an emphatic YES.

Tonight Kinnell was up WAY too late, twirling up his hair and whispering quietly. I’d told him he had to go in his own bed if he made a lot of noise, and he was so quiet I was surprised to find him awake at almost 10 o’clock.

When I finally came to bed, he had scooted over closer to his brother, and then at last fell asleep.

“The five senses,” he said, and then named them when I asked what they are.

He thought for a minute and then said, “but… there should be six.”

“Really?” I asked, “What would the sixth sense be?”

“Thinking,” he said.

Man, he’s totally right. They teach him five senses and his instinct tells him to think about whether he knows things any other way besides through direct sensory experience. It’s pretty deep, and I love it that he thinks for himself.

Meanwhile, below is a link to a wonderful performance by our budding rock star, Kinnell. To fully appreciate his performance, if you’re unfamiliar with the Yo Gabba Gabba soundtrack and website you may want to check out the awesome kids’ song by Cornelius at YoGabbaGabba.com.

Anyway, here is Kinnell covering Cornelius with guest appearance by Raimi.

Raimi: I don’t want to do this.

Teacher: Well, you have to do your worksheets so you can learn how to write.

Raimi: I don’t want to do the writing.

Teacher: Raimi, you have to learn how to write in Kindergarten so you can design videogames when you grow up, just like at your daddy’s office.

Raimi: NO, I want to TEST videogames.

Teacher: You need to learn how to write so that you can do that, too.

Raimi (trying one more tactic): I don’t have to listen to [the teaching assistant.]

Another student (very soberly): Oh, Raimi. YES you DO.

[Finally convinced, Raimi finished his sheet.]

—————————-

On Wednesday, Kevin was sick and stayed home and slept all day. At dinner it was just the boys and me and I was asking them both to tell me about their days. Kinnell eagerly told me he’d played with Ava and Zachary, went pee on the big potty, played with stickers. Raimi was less forthcoming, saying he didn’t remember.

Raimi: I wish you were sick instead of daddy so I wouldn’t have to talk about this.

Me: Why? Daddy lets you be quiet more?

Raimi: Yes.

Me: I won’t make you talk anymore but that hurts my feelings for you to say you wish I was sick.

Raimi (without missing a beat): Well, when you’re sick, you get to lie on the couch and watch movies and eat jello.

Me: Oh, so that’s what you meant? You were saying I should get to relax and have a treat?

Raimi (not very convincingly): …. yes.

Meanwhile, Kevin told me that when the boys got home they jumped in bed with him, and Raimi quickly lost interest but Kinnell laid down by him, patting his father’s back and saying, “It’s ok daddy. I’m here now. It’s ok. It’s ok.”

After a little while, Kinnell said, “Daddy? Do you need to sleep? Ok, I’ll leave you alone.” He patted Kevin again and then came back downstairs to see what Raimi & I were up to.

“What’s up,” I said. “You didn’t wear your t-shirt?”

“Well I wanted to be cool,” he said. “Do you get the joke? Because I wanted to be the perfect temperature, but I also want to be in a popular band.”